This Will Be Funny Later

This is my last pumping session for 12 days! Vacation in more than one way!

I missed last week. We put Hermia the ferret down, and I didn’t have the heart to write. I am still grieving her, but it has been easier than other pets. We are both at peace with deciding to help her find her way to her next adventure. She was old beyond old, and her eyes and ears hadn’t worked in a long time. She was having trouble eating and she could barely walk, frequently not walk at all. It was time. But I was still so heartsick that day. She was an amazing ferret, so full of spunk and fire.

Anyway. The last few weeks have been full of change. J is doing so many new things so quickly, I can’t even keep track anymore. I’ll literally do something once, and she’ll do it without prompting. I went “vroom vroom” as I drove a toy car around while we played. She picked up a nearby car and did her best “vroom vroom” too while she drove it around. And the next time she saw a toy car, 3 days later, she did it again.

Then there are the things I don’t even KNOW how she learned. The other day she grabbed the toilet paper off the holder (which she’s done before). But instead of biting it like she usually does, she ripped off a couple pieces and wiped herself with it (well, she was wearing a diaper, but she wiped in the correct general viscinity)! Then she put it in the toilet, closed the lid, and tried to flush!? WHERE DID SHE LEARN THIS? I mean, yes, that’s how I go to the bathroom. I close the lid so that she can’t reach in after I’m done. But I never ever really “showed” her this!

Then there are things that make sense that she would do, but that she clearly has decided to do because they are just similar to other things she’s done. So the other day we were in CVS, and I was waiting for a medication refill. I’d grabbed a toy for her to play with and she was standing/sitting there happily playing with it, right next to the magazine rack that’s in the little waiting area. Suddenly she abandons her toy, gets up, toddles over to the chairs people wait in, and pulls out a magazine from under the chair. Does she rip it? No. Does she try to read it like a book? No. I’ll be damned if she didn’t take it over to the magazine rack and try to put it with the rest of the magazines! I mean, she loves to help clean up, and will go find more of whatever is being picked up at the time. “Are we picking up blocks? I saw one in the kitchen!” and off she goes to bring you a block from the kitchen. But she clearly saw the magazine rack and decided that it’s where magazines go. So when she saw a magazine, she put it there!

Look, I know that little kids are basically just people who haven’t yet learned about the world. But it’s still so weird and amazing to watch them as they figure it all out. It blows my mind.

Oh, speaking of diapers (you know, a few paragraphs ago) I think we might be getting ready to start toilet learning. Not training yet, but at least getting comfortable sitting on the toilet. The other day she was hanging out with dad and she pooped. She immediately went to where we keep the diapers, and brought him one. She doesn’t chew on wipes anymore but instead tries to wipe herself, and, as I mentioned, does the same with toilet paper. When we get back from vacation, I’m buying a baby potty.

Teeth 10 and 11 are coming in. Upper first molars, left and right. Lots of pain and lots of comfort nursing. And lots of chewing on pens/toothbrushes/anything with a rubbery bit.

Oh, and two new words! “Daddy” (which is still basically indistinguishable from her default syllable of “da!” but clearly she is referring to him) and “Uh-oh” which is exactly what it sounds like.

Lunch hour is over.

Fast post, because I’m still very sick and want to get to bed.

– Tooth #9 is making an appearance. Lower left first molar.

– Colors! She will point to a whole bunch of things of the same color.

– Drawing. She will draw if you give her paper and markers. She will even draw mostly on the paper. Other popular media (mediums?) include her face, her mouth, her hands, her clothing, and anyone within reach.

– Caps! Her latest favorite game is to put caps or lids on things. I need to obtain more containers that have lids. If any of my readers have tang containers, coffee cans, or anything else with an easy to put on and take off lid, I’d love to take it off your hands.

Okay. Bed for me. She’s on the mend from her cold but I’m still very sick.

– Tooth number 8 is pushing its way out, and it’s a doozy. Lower left first molar, and her gums look terrible. Red and purple and very swollen, with a little ridge of tooth peeking out.

– When you ask her, “Where’s Josephine?” she will get a big grin and point to herself! I also showed her a picture of herself and she pointed to her picture and then to herself. Same with the mirror! She’s definitely getting a concept of “me” which, at least to me, implies that she’s also developing some sense of “not me.” Sometimes when she wants something I have, she will point to it and then to herself, as if to say, “that is for me!”

– She’ll sometimes point out “Mama” and “Daddy” in pictures. But more often, if you ask her to point us out, she’ll point to herself. She is very excited to point to herself :).

– Running away! She loves to run and explore and is definitely testing her boundaries when it comes to independence.

– She has started pointing at things and then clapping when she wants them. She’s pretty good at communicating even though she doesn’t have many words!

– Learning how to use a water fountain. She is figuring out how to drink in a variety of ways, from cups to baths (yuck!) to water fountains.

– new word: bye bye! She will say bye bye to her toys when she puts them down, to people when they leave, or it seems like whenever she’s leaving something behind. This includes when she is done with her food. She will throw it on the floor and shout, “bye! Bye bye bye!” As if she could banish it.

– Her teachers have started calling her their classroom greeter. Anyone that walks into the room is greeted with a cheery, “Hi!” And seen off with a, “Bye bye!” And a grin.

– I have volunteered to be a classroom parent. It’s intimidating but if I want to get involved with her schooling I might as well do it now.

– She has started giving the best hugs. She will wrap her arms around your neck as only a child can do, and lean her cheek against your shoulder or cheek. It melts my heart every time.

– She now insists on walking out of school by herself. I let her walk to the door, but still insist on carrying her to the car.

– tooth number 7 arrived this morning, and it was a rough one. Lower left lateral incisor.

– Gentle touch: she definitely knows what gentle is. If she’s patting you and getting too rough, you can tell her to be gentle and she’ll immediately start stroking instead of patting, then resume her patting with less vigor. She usually gets excited again pretty quickly and you have to tell her to be gentle again but it’s not too bad.

– this one is all mine: I’ve finally gotten back to the gym! I went yesterday and it felt great. I’m looking forward to having regular exercise again that isn’t chasing her around.

Writing these updates on my phone is hard. I left my iPad at work.

Sorry I missed last week. Lots is happening!

– Running. She can now run (sorta). She only gets a few steps before her legs don’t move fast enough and she faceplants, but it almost never matters to her. She gets right up and starts running again!

– Her “baby.” At school, every baby has their own doll, which they call their “babies.” J will go and pick up her baby, rock it, sing to it, and then lay it face down on the ground and start patting it on the back. That’s how they put her down for naptime. Now, if you tell her to find her baby and say night night, that’s what she’ll do. She loves it.

– Climbing. She loves to climb everything, anything! The sofa, the chair, mom, dad, into the tub, up on to the table, anything she can! It seems like every week we have to watch her more closely instead of less.

– Gentle touch. She’s gotten very good at being gentle. She almost never grabs the cats fur or ears. When they let her, she will pat them gently and try to give them a hug. She tried to pick up Chen once, which didn’t work so well, but no one was hurt.

– Argh there’s so much more! It’s time for me to start keeping a list.

Small steps towards big things this week.

She’s getting frustrated at her inability to communicate. The other night during dinner she kept putting her hand on top of her head, but I could not for the life of me figure out what it was supposed to mean. I eventually decided it must mean “more” because every time she would pick up a frozen pea and eat it, then look at me and grunt and put her hand on her head. She did it 4 or 5 times. Eventually I got her some more peas (there weren’t a lot on her tray) and she stopped doing it. Whether she was distracted by new peas or I was able to get her what she wanted, it’s hard to say.

She’s been nursing a whole bunch in the evenings before bed, to the point where I have been supplementing with some frozen milk. Sometimes she won’t want the bottle but I’ve clearly got no milk left for her, and those nights involve some frustration for both of us! I asked them to start giving her more milk at school and that seems to have helped. By 18 months she should be getting (approximately, of course) about half her calories from milk and half from solids. Increasing milk intake at school from 6-8oz to 8-10oz has helped considerably.

Tonight I tried something new and offered dinner before her home-from-school snuggle session. Bedtime was pretty fast and easy, so I might start trying solids before nursing more regularly.

Separate sleeping is also going pretty well. Some nights are better than others, but on average she’s sleeping for about 3-4 hours between wakings, and going back down very easily (within 15-20 minutes). I’ve found that I’m sleeping much less, partly because now I’m waking up a couple times a night and partly (okay, mostly) because I’m staying up later than her and getting up earlier, whereas before I was tied to sleeping on her schedule. In the mornings, this means a lot more sleep for her because I can get ready while she’s still in the crib. Not sure if it’s related but her naps are lasting about 60-90 minutes instead of 45-60. It makes everyone happier. Oh! And weekend naptimes are SO PRODUCTIVE now. This coming weekend, Papa T. is going to start trying to put her down for second nap.

That’s all I can think of :(.

Okay, so I keep missing Milestone Monday, and I only chose it for its alliterative properties. Since J was born on a Tuesday, that means I’m always a day shy of the next week. So I missed it, so I’ve decided to start writing updates on Tuesdays, which are the day she was born anyway. So here we are at 56 weeks, which would have been 55 weeks yesterday. Whee!

– She’s started trying to use objects the way they were intended. She will hold a phone up to her face and say, “Hi!” She will hold a sock up to her foot and look at me as if to say, “like this, mom?” She will try to put hats on her head and my sunglasses on her face.

– Her cousins came to town for a few days. J was a big fan. I think it was Jim Gaffigan that said cousins are like celebrities for kids. All the cousins seemed to like each other. We took J to the Thinkery, to the nearby city pool, and to a couple restaurants. It took 4 days of screwed up nap/sleep/eating/nursing schedules before J started to get too fussy

– She fell asleep in the car without screaming! That’s an awesome first.

– I think it’s because of the biggest change: We’ve stopped cosleeping. It’s been hard on me in some ways, easy in others. She’s not waking up more at night, but I sure am. Last night, I only got 2 hours of sleep. So we still have to work that out, but she’s doing pretty well in the crib. She is waking up about 2-4 times a night, usually only for about 10-15 minutes except for one big one that lasts about 30-50 minutes. Otherwise she’s sleeping from 7:30-8pm until 6-8am. It’s a little unclear, since I started this a week ago today but her schedule started getting weird from the cousins’ visit on Thursday.

Well, it didn’t so much work to stop doing “milestone” posts and just doing regular posts. Although last Monday was particularly rough. J was going through a very difficult phase of not sleeping, and I wasn’t getting any sleep or time to myself. I was overwhelmed and had no time in the evening to post. I actually ended up taking her to the doctor because the daycare was concerned about how fussy she was being.

Anyway! This week is going much better. She magically stopped being fussy and hard to put to bed just as suddenly as she started.

Recent things:

– She hugged Fee! He wasn’t very happy about it but she was very gentle (and VERY excited) about it

– Attempting to put on socks. She will take a sock and hold it on to her foot. She hasn’t figured out how to put her foot inside the sock, but she definitely knows where it goes.

– Signing is getting clearer.. “more” looks more like itself and “all done” is definitely getting clearer. I think she wants to know way more signs than I know because she will point to things in her book and then look at me and seem frustrated with me saying the word. I feel the urge to sign it for her too. Every time she sees milk in one of her books she signs it to me.

– Walking backwards. Happening early!

– Turning lights on and off. If you hold her up to a light switch, she’ll turn it off and on! It’s a small thing, I know. But exciting for me. It’s amazing to me that you only need to show her something like that, a simple digital manipulation task, a few times and then she’s got it figured out! I think I turned the light on and off twice before she reached out and did it.

– Using utensils. She can frequently get food from a spoon to her mouth, and has the idea of dipping the spoon into food. She gets really excited for forks and always wants to play with mine. The other night we had sushi (she had a california roll) and she was fascinated by my chopsticks. She kept picking up a piece of rice and trying to stick it to the end of the chopstick, then putting the chopstick in her mouth. She will also consolidate foods on to a plate, if you give her a plate and a bunch of food next to it.

– Disappearing baby! She’s gotten good enough at moving that this has happened once to me and once to F: We have looked away for a second and she has disappeared! In my case, she had wandered from the dining room into the kitchen. Poor F looked away for about 10 seconds and then couldn’t find her anywhere… she had made it all the way to the master bathroom!

Her lashes, grown long and full, flutter against her cheeks. Her smile has relaxed into crinkled lips. Her hand is limp on her lovey’s edge, where not long ago she held it tightly in her pudgy fist and rubbed the soft cloth across her cheek. Her hands still smell like this morning’s cheerios. Her breathing is even, soft and sweet and milky. I brush the curl of hair resting on her forehead off to one side. She has the softest hair I’ve ever felt.

These moments are coming to an end, too soon too soon. It’s time to start moving her out of my arms, gently but steadily. Our afternoon naps will soon be in separate beds. Our nights connected by electronics rather than the warm, soft touch of my hand resting on her leg.

In my head, in my heart, I knew that the drops of blood that spilled as I cut the cord with her were symbolic of a lifetime of growing further apart. From that point on, we would be like taffy stretching, always recalling when we were a single being but growing further and further away. Some day, she would be able to walk away from me, tottering off to her own adventures (that day is already here). Some day, I will offer to nurse and she will say, “no thanks.” Some day I will send her off to camp and she will forget her sunscreen and bug spray and come home scraped, burned, bitten, and full of excited stories of all the cool things she did without me. Some day, she will move out and there will be entire days, weeks, where I don’t hear from her.

I have always tried to cherish the time I spend with her, even when it’s hard. When she was just a few days old I would walk outside in the middle of the night, singing endlessly and tunelessly to this screaming, exhausted, helpless being. Despite my own exhaustion and pain, I assured her that I would love her through every moment, that some day I would look back and miss those nights. And it’s true. I miss them. She is growing more independent by the day. And it’s time for the taffy to pull a little tauter. It’s time for me to give up watching her open her sleepy eyes, smile up at me, and give me her sweet, “hi” before settling back into sleep. It’s time to night wean, sleep train, move her into her own bed.

I will miss this. I am grateful that my husband and family and daughter have given me the emotional space to do this the way it felt most right in my heart. So I lean down, kiss her sweaty brow, whisper that I love her. I will hold the memories of my sleeping infant daughter as tightly, lovingly, and protectively as I now hold her.

And, because it’s best for her, I’ll let go a little bit more and feel my love stretch a little further, like taffy.