There should really be a list of the types of pains that are “normal” in pregnancy. I imagine useful pregnancy week-by-week emails would look something like this:

  • This week, you should start having trouble bending over while sitting! Stop dropping things if they’re important.
  • This week, you can finally see your belly over that enormous rack you’ve developed! Woo boobies!
  • This week, you will no longer be able to get out of big, poofy, comfy chairs without assistance! Consider investing in a helper monkey now to get the most monkey help for your buck.
  • This week, you may begin to feel like your uterus has been replaced with a punching bag! Try playing Gonna Fly Now to increase your chances of an athletic baby.
  • This week, expect trouble getting shoes onto your sausagefeet! I hope it’s warm enough for flip flops. If not, you can always declare to the world that you’ve given up and wear crocs.

The exclamation marks are to make it all seem more exciting, since no longer will pregnant women be regaled with all the fruits and vegetables that their fetuses resemble (by the way, this week it’s a banana with eyelids). But seriously, even in my happy, healthy, everything-is-awesome (yay for hormones) pregnancy, these weird twinges and aches and cramps are just unnerving. Is she really kicking me in the cervix, or has something gone horribly wrong? Am I supposed to pee this much, or do I have a UTI? When they say call for severe pain, how severe does it have to be, since being stabbed in the round ligaments apparently doesn’t count?

Someone needs  to get on this. Because googling for any pain and combining it with the word “pregnancy” is a recipe for a completely unnecessary trip to the ER.